TTOP posting @ ward 44 part 8- can i be more competent for the last 2 days?

i think i am getting worse by the day. this sucks.

it has happened many times tt i suddenly woke up from my nap on the bus journey home, because i will suddenly rmb that i have forgotten to do something/ follow up on something again. this feeling really sucks. i really hate myself whenever this happens.

i dont want to do things for the sake of doing it. i dont want to finish my ttop with the nurses in the ward questioning about nus nursing standards. i dont want to create an impression that nus nurses are not competent at all.

sometimes i do hope tt my preceptor will fail me and make me extend my ttop, so that i can really learn my lesson and check everything thoroughly. but it doesnt really help if i extend my posting since i will not passing out this july, because by the time i pass out next year, everything will be back to square one, and i will be the same blur me again. or will i really improve if i extend my ttop?

sometimes the defensive me will have the thinking that forgetting something is not entirely my fault, since the previous shift nurse did not do her job properly, resulting in my increased confusion.

sometimes the defensive me will also have the thinking that there are also some staff nurses in the ward who are as forgetful, and not competent enought although they are already stamping their names as "registered nurse".

sometimes the defensive me will also think that can it be even considered entirely my fault when my preceptor didnt realise the mistake too?

sometimes the defensive me will also have the thinking to blame it screwed curriculum for giving us such a short ttop posting. not all nus students are fast learners. i am not a fast learner. 4 weeks is definitely too short for me. YOU can say that we need not take so many cases in a mth, but WE are afterall passing out as staff nurses. who the hell cares whether our TTOP posting is shorter than NYP students, that's why WE are not as competent as the NYP graduates in handling cases? and what's more when we are getting higher pay than NYP nurses? do you think the DON ADONs and whatnots will be that understanding?

but i know all these are just my excuses.

sighs. whatever. it's coming to an end. i shall forget about these frustrations by tmr morning. i shall be more positive for tmr's morning shift. I WILL MAKE SURE I CHECK THROUGH MY THINGS BEFORE GG HOME TMR!